Diamonds or Gold

It feels powerful to be motivated, to have the desire of yearning for something more; believing that this is not it, that there must be more to it than this; I must be able to have more, experience more, acquire more, and be more.

Simultaneously, some say that it’s silly because we’re always “looking for gold while sitting on diamonds”; what’s more, what is right in front of you could be that “something” which you’ve been searching everywhere for, dripping sweat and blood, it just hasn’t hit you yet.

So how do you know? How do you know when to hold on because that is the something you’ve been looking for while being unaware of this fact, and you’d better hold on to it? But how do you know when to let go because there’s something more out there, and therefore it is okay to let this be part of your past?

When you’re on your way to something greater—qualitatively and quantitatively speaking—you know you’re going to have completely different thoughts in the future; perhaps you’ll even transform to a completely different person. Then, what you want and what makes you happy will change as well, and you will most likely not want what you have right now, or perhaps even what you are happy with, right now.
I think that is a frightening thought; more horrid when you know it’s going to happen.
Torn between holding onto what you’re happy with right now and something that you believe you must pursue; all of a sudden, it’s like your entire future is flashing before you. That choice, or rather, being certain about having to leave your old self behind for the supposedly better self, was probably once exciting but now terrifying for it being so much of a matter of fact, of certainty.

You may start questioning if you really want to desire something different from what you desire now. However, the crucial part here is the word “desire”; in the future, you are going to desire something different from now, which means by then, you don’t want what you have right now because it is no longer what you want, it is almost as if it won’t be enough—this is the scariest; to know that you’ll want something completely different from what you treasure the most at this very moment, this very endearment that you hold on to. To know that such endearment in which you believe so much in, in which you have attached every sense of your being, will be out of the question, out of your own mind, in the near future.

I’m so very terrified.

When it all comes down to the end, is it predetermined, is it part of His plan, is it chance, or is it a matter of choice, of what we become, what we have, what we hold on to, and what we desire?

Do I want diamonds or gold, and do I have to make a decision now?