interesting people

I wonder if something like this has ever happened to you guys..something very disappointing.

Beware when you meet this kind of people: they stand out, they look like they have an interesting personality, seems like so many great things are happening in their lives, and most importantly, there’s just a mysterious aura around them that makes you want to know more, and more about them, and possibly, be part of their lives.

Yea- beware. Don’t waste...or to sound better, spend too much time trying to get to know them, because you might be disappointed. at least that’s what i’ve been experiencing with these “interesting people”.

do u feel it when people want to be something that they are not? they usually have a few groups of friends, but not necessary that they are close with each, or any, of the groups. There’s always a group of party animals; people that are extremely extrovert, sociable, and are wasted all the freaking time - this is the group of friends that they always want to hang out with, and want other people to think that they are part of. Another group would be friends from a long time ago, perhaps elementary school friends; ones that make them feel the less abstract presence of their history. And there’s the most important group..but note that only the people in this group can see its importance, but to the interesting people, this group is not who they want to be around most of the time, but their superego knows that they need this group of conscious, down-to-the-earth friends. That’s it-this group of friends is composed of people that are realists, who have a healthy and upright lifestyle, who think deeper, and most significantly, they make these interesting people feel interesting; their self-monitoring works with these people because they are able to make this group of friends think what they want them to think of them. hope that wasn’t too confusing. but that’s just the interesting people’s delusion, because their conscious group of friends are obviously more awake than they are. So i guess i am part of my “interesting” friends’ conscious group of friends, because i feel like i know them too well that it’s kinda disgusting. Worse off, i can feel that they are using me to make themselves feel better about themselves, make them stay sane, allow them to find the better part of themselves because they are around this group of people that know what they want and what they are doing. It’s double the benefits for these interesting people when they are friends with conscious people: firstly, they think that their self-monitoring is working when the truth is that, their friends know better than them of how they are really like. they feel better about themselves; they probably feel inferior compared to their group of party animal friends, but compared to these conscious people, they feel as though they have a more tripping life, in their perspective. Secondly, they are able to feel the conscious part of themselves; being with this group of people is like going to church: no matter what they do outside, they are forgiven and pure, they are able to confess to themselves, and find the better part of themselves in these people, while doing something more fulfilling than passing out at a party.
it is very, very disappointing. because at first when i really wanted to know them, and the more i know them, the less complicated they become. and by knowing them i mean in a very real way, like listening to their inner feelings instead of making assumptions myself. it’s to the point that they are transparent, i can see through them. it is very sad at the same time, because i don’t only lose interest in them, i lose quite an amount of respect.. not just because they are using me to feel more “normal”, but the fact that they want to be so much, too much that they don’t realize how they are never gonna be that something else, because they have created this blur, this tangled mess of wants, to the point that they become what people call “multi-face”. every time i spend time with them, the level of intrigue goes down by a bit.

yes maybe dressing up will get you the attention, but when people get to know you, you’re just disappointing them, and how you look and how you portray yourself won’t do anything because eventually, they know you better than you know yourself.

what, arts students are not smart now?

i was told that around 20 years ago, the faculty of commerce (in undergraduate program) was the dumping ground instead of the faculty of arts. what i mean by dumping ground is where students apply to just for the sake of going to university because they don’t know what they really want to do in the future yet, or they simply don’t have the required GPA to get into their desired faculty, so since arts is easier to get in, they use it as a stepping stone and later transfer to something “better”.
my friend was ranting to me the other day: “i’m so sick of people in my class that just don’t care and don’t participate...and i didn’t come here to learn with people who are just using arts as a dumping ground!” she was really angry.
so i wonder why, why was it a 360 degree difference 20 years ago..maybe that was when the hippie age was taking place- when people strive for justice, equality, and change- thats why they would go into arts and learn more about deeper philosophy behind matter. and now commerce is like the faculty that everyone wants to get in because thats what generally leads u to earning real money.
more worse is that, its almost like being in commerce defines if one’s intelligent or not.
that really disgusts me. especially when my economics professor would say “yea because this is what makes the world go around” .. um no it’s not.

no, it’s not.

I strongly believe not only that the world doesn’t run solely because of the people who know how to use and earn money, but more firmly that intelligence cannot be determined by knowing how to run a business, being sneaky and tricky enough to make the most profits to yourself by taking away other’s, or in general, be good with money. I literally feel sick after an economics class because the whole lecture would be about how to maximize your benefits, how the flow of money keeps the world from collapsing. To clarify, I have no offense against those who are good at commerce. In fact, I think some people are made for it and if they don’t go into this field, it would be a waste. I am just really against the idea of things that evolve around money is what runs this world that I’m living in. Because it’s such a misleading belief, it’s not improving anything out of so much in nowadays society that truly needs improvements, that is dying for changes.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just fooling myself; just because I am not good at economics (since thats the only math course i take) that’s why I don’t believe in it. Maybe i’m just covering my weakness up by making all these rationalization about how many other things are more important than money. I think the reason why I have this doubt in myself at times is because of my surroundings. When one is in an environment where a certain thing is being reinforced, approved, and even appraised,so much, it is extremely difficult to not eventually believe in it. maybe that’s what strikes me sometimes.
I will not deny the fact that money and business and whatever goes around it are very important to the society today, but why now? why so important now? why more and more students want to get into commerce? what happened in between these 20 years, or more? so many questions in my head that are unanswered, and i’m sure that goes with a lot of people out there too.

to be honest, I still get offended by the idea that knowing how to deal with money determines if one is smart or not.
If you’re not in arts, and if you do not indulge in artsy fartsy stuff and you’re just in arts because of whatever reason, you don’t understand how degrading it feels when people ask you “oh what faculty are you in?” “arts” “oh..”. That “oh” is like, “oh man i’m sorry” or sometimes worse when they say, “oh THAT’S OKAY”. what do you mean “that’s okay”?! there’s nothing about me that i need to hear a “that’s okay” from you, you know? I enjoy writing and learning about deeper issues in the society more than learning how to make the most money I could and anything else. THAT’S why I’m in arts. I like to take an abstract view on things, to see them and analyze them in deeper levels. I didn’t come into this faculty to hear “it’s okay that you’re in arts” because it SHOULD be okay, not just okay, it’s good, it’s fucking fantastic.
yea sorry but it’s just so annoying when people are like oh what faculty are you in “commerce” “oh wow smart guy” versus “arts” “oh.......”
 yea.
I don’t think any “smart” guy in commerce can write a A+ philosophy paper and an english student might suck at econ. Just making my point across in a lamer and simpler way.

break even

when a heart is broken, no it don’t break even-

its like a vase with cracks on it, you wanna keep it because the vase itself is so pretty, but water leaks through the cracks and eventually it’ll soak up the bottom.

something just cannot be even, ever again.

the invisible emptiness hits me harder than anything with a physical weight.. and knowing whats missing is somewhere that has no traits of me, somewhere that belongs to somebody else’s.
what’s worse is that this image of emptiness is imprinted in my mind and is easily copied and pasted onto other things, bringing me more misery, out of physically nothing.

to break even would just separate our paths even further apart, because we have no clue that we're not on the same track, and breaking even doesn't solve the problem.

when you see how the bottom is soaked, it makes what’s underneath the glass smudged and ugly .. no it ain’t pretty at all. by that time no one cares how pretty the vase is, just because the cracks are not fixed earlier.

sometimes i’d rather be part of what i don’t believe in, ‘cause then i won’t feel so much from what i am so indulged in, to the point that i wonder if im fooling myself.

i’m just a miserable fool, overdramatizing nothing all day.

engaging in someone else's victory

the so-called life -





I haven’t exactly figured out my life yet, but with these glorious food, it’s hard to resist to not care for a thing and have a taste of the wonderful edibles that exist in this world.

it also makes me forget about the need to plan stuff out..
so my friend told me his exact plan in the next 7 years or so. he said he is going to get his first million when he is 23.
what do i want to have achieved by 23?
in this moment, i am still engaging myself in the canadian athletes’ glory of 14 golds - not only world record - but the last hockey gold medal game was ... deserving, real, and victorious.

..engaging myself in their victory

today i learned the reason why we become so into big events like olympics. as peasants, we seldomly get to be involved in things that are so huge..and being part of a big event allows us to be engaged in something much bigger than ourselves, thus sharing a sense of larger importance. when our nation wins, we experience a kind of victory that most of us will never be able to have, personally.

when i think about my own dreams.. which leads to an interesting thought because my dreams are not ridiculously big like i wanna become an astronaut or something like that, but i have high expectations, of myself, in a way. it’s weird ‘cause i always hear things like “don’t be so harsh on yourself” but im not a person that strives for perfection all the time. im a medium, average person, in everything i’d say.

but i think so. fucking. much. it always drives me insane.

anyway, so back to thinking about my own dreams, that leads me to think of my habit of getting upset when close friends/family members leave town for say more than two weeks. i know it’s ridiculous, it’s only two weeks kathy, wtf are you getting worked up for? but i think there’s a couple of reasons. first of all, ever since i was small, i used to cry everytime when i left the park, just because i had to say goodbye to little friends that i only met for 20 minutes or so. i don’t like saying goodbye.. it gives me uncertainty of their safety (like i can save their lives when im around them) and just .. like i lost some directions. and thats also related to the second reason- because my motivation is not as strong as theirs. and when those that are close to me are ones that chase after their dreams, it makes me feel empty inside because i am not able to do something so courageous..and carefree. i can do impulsive shit but so far, not this, not chasing after my dreams. it’s so easy to say it but so hard to do. there are reasons why i cannot carelessly chase after what i want to do.. and i think they all have to do with my close friends/family. like my family, it matters to me more than the need to pursue my dreams. sounds crazy but yea, i still can’t do it.

but i gotta stop making others be like me, when they can be so much more, right?

anyway, on a lighter note, i was really engaging myself in these talented kids too- i always wish i was more talented and musical. maybe i’ll develop some more skills. i don’t care if it was the weed or drinks that they consumed, i heard some good music in this small, hippie, venue that night. same feeling as the whole olympic thing- when they had a good performance, i felt like i refreshed myself with all my dreams in the music field too.





and this is one of the pics that i took of this interesting plant.. isn't it so beautiful? it looks so fragile too



if you click into it you can see more details in the plant!! its absolutely amazing!