cross your heart?

have you ever wanted to tell somebody, “you are not alone”, so badly that you either stare at that person with retarded passionate eyes, or more, hold his/her hand tightly, or helplessly gulp the passion down back to your stomach because it’d be awkward to say something so cheesy? well, i always feel like that. but today, i think i realized why i feel such strong need to tell others that they are not alone.
so who’s not afraid of being alone? okay most people would say that they need, or they enjoy, that bit of silence once in a while, you know, just to keep yourself sane. but i mean, continuous lonesome. who can really tolerate? or more, to enjoy, to embrace it? personally, i cannot live alone and i know that dearly. sometimes the relationship between people is so helplessly on-the-surface due to the physical distance between bodies, that we forget to be content about what we share in memories, in feelings, with each other. and because of that, we feel lonely when the physical distance between u and other people grow even further. i never wanna forget what i have with those that i care about, thats why i try so hard to hold onto them; the more afraid of loneliness that i am, the more i urge to tell those who need to hear that they are not alone, that they are not alone.
and that makes me think about promises too. after watching the movie Up again, i see how one can cope with the (eternal) physical distance between ppl. yea we always talk about memories and how important they are.. well this movie shows that some memories you just have to imprint them in your heart then put them behind. but what’s interesting is the part of promises. “Cross your heart?” if someone asks you to cross your heart to something, would you usually do it? i mean, it.. it is a huge thing to me. it’s crossing your heart man. but i think it’s also because of the heavy responsibility promises carry that they surpass memories; they still exist, with the same colour, through the physical distance between ppl. whereas memories fade. I think it is also what eliminates the sense of loneliness because it is not just a memory of something that you do with the ppl, but its something that is SO important to whoever that makes the promise. it gives you linkage to the other person that crosses his/her heart, and it gives you a sense of company.
mkay, i didn’t expect to write so much, and i don’t think im very clear in my words compared to my thoughts. but i hope somewhere in your mind, you understand what i’m juberishing :)




feel free to put down some of your thoughts.

adrenaline is for heroes

today i’ve been such an impulsive bitch.

so i met up with two friends and we got to the topic of hookah because friend A saw the pics of me and friend C having a hookah session. turned out that they were surprised of friend C smoking,but i always find surprises from her so i wasn’t so surprised .. yea that sounded paradoxical but sometimes when you keep finding out things about a friend that surprise you,not necessarily in a bad way, the level of surprise decreases, same with everything else, like utility,happiness,tastiness in food? but enough of that,we got to the topic of smoking cigarettes. and we took turns asking each other if we smoke regularly,and friend B, who is a regular smoker,asked if i smoke regularly,i said “no..no i don’t do that” and i just sort of repeated that about twice to thrice, which results in friend B's quoting me: “hah..’i don’t do that’..” its funny ‘cause she said that in a tone, like indicating that i’m trying so hard to stay “innocent” or “pure”. more interestingly, it follows with a sense of bitterness. i didn’t think about this until we parted in the rain,and friend B was having a smoke when i left. did i offend her? did i make her feel “different”? did i make her feel “bad”? did i .. discriminate her,in a sense? we’ve been talking so much about discrimination in class -- among disability,race,class.. i just didn’t think i’d make such a mistake on discriminating her,indirectly. when i said “no i don’t do that” i seem to have created an identity of the Other onto this friend B. “i don’t do that”, as if smoking belongs to a lower level, makes her sound dirty. if only i thought into it more before i said that, i wud call that an impulsive response that i gave. but maybe what i’ve been talking about in the past 300 words does not describe how friend B actually felt either. maybe i have just impulsively assumed her feelings on my own.

second impulsive thing that i did, was one of the typical things that i feel such a strong need to do, and they never ended up great. speaking up for a friend, or for urself, always seems to be the right thing to do. but i don't even seem to get a positive feedback.
yea that was pretty impulsive,maybe i should have thought more into it too, ‘cause i have no idea of whats gonna happen after i sent that msg.

another impulsive thing that i did: started this blog. but this one is not so much on the negative side :)

utilitarianism

Mill claims that one would rather be at higher pleasure than to be just a pig/fool even though the higher pleasure is harder to maintain.

wordplay

jan 12/10


My head is full of thoughts. all tangled, the picture that floats up would look like a typical mess-- tangled, wired. So i decided to put ‘em down, just some jumbled thoughts. Hmm, like Carrie from Sex and the City, just myself as the author is not half as fashionable as she is, nor am i writing for newspaper columns as a living. Sounds sweet hey? I would love to write for a living in the future, if anyone would like to publish my books...or anything. Yea, just imagining, and please don’t call me a stupid fool for having such big dreams..but as my name gets out there as a writer, it’s pretty cool how it can act as sort of a showoff to those who have offended me, looked down at me, disapproved my opinions.
Speaking of opinions, in these years of living so far, I have only realized about my ego recently. I’m a very opinionated person. Am i? I thought i wasn’t. I once thought i was smart. I don’t accept people for who they are, in some sense. I don’t accept other people’s beliefs nor their own ideas, even, at some point. Wow I’m horrible.
No, facebook is more horrible, facebook’s a jackass. The want to be important, to portray a popular impression with lots of gorgeous photos with different people, the image of one that has a busy and glamorous life, the urge for 999 comments on witty statuses... when you do have those things, its like a guilty pleasure; it fulfills all those needs and wants, very materialistic and on-the-surface but satisfying and subconsciously desirable-- you know that it’s JUST facebook, you know that popularity and divas don’t last, yet you die to become a member of them. However, when you don’t have those things... yea when you’re stuck at home reading textbooks but more like getting distracted by practically anything, or when you’re socially retarded, no nights out to hippy restaurants for rock ‘n roll sushi, therefore no pictures to prove your wonderful, drunken times...or just when you simply don’t have friends, you feel down in the dumps. The feeling of exclusion, outcast, boredom, like you’ve been pretending your way through life, with all those friends that came and left, the good times that are proven with pictures... more ironically, it doesn’t get any worse when you see all those people that were in the pictures with you, all smiling, making funny faces, whatever, no longer pay attention to you. Worst of all, they hate you. Facebook discriminates too.

but i still love you fb. just some spaz at times <3

Right now I think I know how those old-fashioned people feel when their tradition and value are categorized as “close-minded”. Our society is undergoing a revolution, the new generation can almost accept anything. kinky shit in those lyrics, early sex, no communication with parents, or even anyone, etc. If a person from even just one generation up argued for the importance in tradition, he’d get owned because people are just so good at bullshitting, making sense of things that don’t make sense. His values would be denied because one should be more open to things and not be so opinionated. But some of those new opinions are just wrong, they are fucked up, they were never acceptable just a decade ago, they are twisted...they might not even be moral. Just like when I voice out my thoughts, and returned with bitchslap in the face as “crossed-the-line” because I’m interfering with others’ beliefs. Well, if one believes something to be true,then other “truths” wouldnt be true to him now, would they? sometimes its important to remember whats black and whats white, instead of staying in that obscure grey zone.

it’s all about the wordplay. The world is smart. The world is ignorant. It’s bliss? The world is too much to handle. Never possible to compromise, to find justice. God’s too nice because it allows anyone to stay on this planet.

But I’m not living in this place alone, so therefore I have to accept different people with their opinions. Here, one of my resolutions for the new year.