So—
with my puppy resting his head on my arm makes it a little hard to type. Just a little.
yes since i last posted, i had been working on this essay...I don’t know if I’m making too much of a claim in it, or ... hahah it feels very delicate when I can sense my pup’s breaths against my arm...
yea that’s sort of what I wanna say in this post: the physical sense of existence.
my friend once said something like this: “i like winter because i can see my own breath, and i know that i’m actually alive.” interesting.
and funny ‘cause we have to physically see something to physically feel our own, so-real, so-unavoidable existence.
in the past year my class, well not my class—sounds like im teaching the class or something—but my english class, we worked with autobiographies. and how daring of me, to argue about how their authenticity could very possibly be challenged, in my essay. Well authentic not in a sense, that “they are not realistic” because it got to be pretty damn realistic when there’s an autobiography written by a blind guy. but authentic in a sense that, it doesn’t narrate or deliver the entire “self” in this autobiography completely.
let me explain the core reason for this:
read the title of this post, it’s a quote from one of the articles i read as research for this essay; that is the definition to the notion of self.
note that music is wordless, and so even when we talk about self in anything—autobiographies, blogs etc., those words that we use are so limited as to be able to fully describe our complex and rich selves. We’re human, and you know how complicated this species is. scientifically speaking, just the brain is enough to say that all those autobiographies are not able to really say that they have delivered readers a full and complete representation of the autobiographers. Feelings, thoughts—conscious, unconscious. even more, soul.
“self is a state of feeling, not an entity.”
I think,
most people who write about themselves, are subconsciously trying to “leave a mark” of themselves in this world—this world full of many, many people. To search for some less abstract form of existence, of self.. we all do that at some point, through something. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a negative act at all. It’s like a “psychological gratification” to have an autobiography or blog, something to satisfy ourselves mentally; forming an image, dropping words about our experiences, our feelings, to physically “see” ourselves. well, the selves that we sort of “made up” with our restricted words, at least.
oh, just recalled. In one of my philosophy, well, my philosophy discussion, we talked about determinism and free will. so determinism is basically saying that everything is predetermined, but not by us, of course. For example, if you decide to go to school in the morning even when you’d rather stay in bed, it is your nervous system telling you or making you go to school/stay in bed. Just think about that, you can’t really argue against it because our brain IS the control centre, even feelings, such abstract thing, is generated from there. and this girl in my class broke out dramatically, saying “so if all our decisions are predetermined, then it’s like, what the hell am i doing here?!” yea it was pretty hilarious, especially when she looked so concerned. and my teacher’s assistant asked “so does that worry you?” “YEAA!” and with a “duh” expression.
oh, how nervous we get when we lose control over ourselves.
i think that girl’s reaction was a form of grasping her-self. Something that she believes in, that she has been building on, with properties, knowledge, experiences.
so what IF we are not what we think we are, what if we are predetermined, what if behind all these illusions and delusions, we do not have free will, and hence no such thing as the concept of self?
no wonder we do so much stuff like what i’m doing right now.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
interesting people
I wonder if something like this has ever happened to you guys..something very disappointing.
Beware when you meet this kind of people: they stand out, they look like they have an interesting personality, seems like so many great things are happening in their lives, and most importantly, there’s just a mysterious aura around them that makes you want to know more, and more about them, and possibly, be part of their lives.
Yea- beware. Don’t waste...or to sound better, spend too much time trying to get to know them, because you might be disappointed. at least that’s what i’ve been experiencing with these “interesting people”.
do u feel it when people want to be something that they are not? they usually have a few groups of friends, but not necessary that they are close with each, or any, of the groups. There’s always a group of party animals; people that are extremely extrovert, sociable, and are wasted all the freaking time - this is the group of friends that they always want to hang out with, and want other people to think that they are part of. Another group would be friends from a long time ago, perhaps elementary school friends; ones that make them feel the less abstract presence of their history. And there’s the most important group..but note that only the people in this group can see its importance, but to the interesting people, this group is not who they want to be around most of the time, but their superego knows that they need this group of conscious, down-to-the-earth friends. That’s it-this group of friends is composed of people that are realists, who have a healthy and upright lifestyle, who think deeper, and most significantly, they make these interesting people feel interesting; their self-monitoring works with these people because they are able to make this group of friends think what they want them to think of them. hope that wasn’t too confusing. but that’s just the interesting people’s delusion, because their conscious group of friends are obviously more awake than they are. So i guess i am part of my “interesting” friends’ conscious group of friends, because i feel like i know them too well that it’s kinda disgusting. Worse off, i can feel that they are using me to make themselves feel better about themselves, make them stay sane, allow them to find the better part of themselves because they are around this group of people that know what they want and what they are doing. It’s double the benefits for these interesting people when they are friends with conscious people: firstly, they think that their self-monitoring is working when the truth is that, their friends know better than them of how they are really like. they feel better about themselves; they probably feel inferior compared to their group of party animal friends, but compared to these conscious people, they feel as though they have a more tripping life, in their perspective. Secondly, they are able to feel the conscious part of themselves; being with this group of people is like going to church: no matter what they do outside, they are forgiven and pure, they are able to confess to themselves, and find the better part of themselves in these people, while doing something more fulfilling than passing out at a party.
it is very, very disappointing. because at first when i really wanted to know them, and the more i know them, the less complicated they become. and by knowing them i mean in a very real way, like listening to their inner feelings instead of making assumptions myself. it’s to the point that they are transparent, i can see through them. it is very sad at the same time, because i don’t only lose interest in them, i lose quite an amount of respect.. not just because they are using me to feel more “normal”, but the fact that they want to be so much, too much that they don’t realize how they are never gonna be that something else, because they have created this blur, this tangled mess of wants, to the point that they become what people call “multi-face”. every time i spend time with them, the level of intrigue goes down by a bit.
yes maybe dressing up will get you the attention, but when people get to know you, you’re just disappointing them, and how you look and how you portray yourself won’t do anything because eventually, they know you better than you know yourself.
Beware when you meet this kind of people: they stand out, they look like they have an interesting personality, seems like so many great things are happening in their lives, and most importantly, there’s just a mysterious aura around them that makes you want to know more, and more about them, and possibly, be part of their lives.
Yea- beware. Don’t waste...or to sound better, spend too much time trying to get to know them, because you might be disappointed. at least that’s what i’ve been experiencing with these “interesting people”.
do u feel it when people want to be something that they are not? they usually have a few groups of friends, but not necessary that they are close with each, or any, of the groups. There’s always a group of party animals; people that are extremely extrovert, sociable, and are wasted all the freaking time - this is the group of friends that they always want to hang out with, and want other people to think that they are part of. Another group would be friends from a long time ago, perhaps elementary school friends; ones that make them feel the less abstract presence of their history. And there’s the most important group..but note that only the people in this group can see its importance, but to the interesting people, this group is not who they want to be around most of the time, but their superego knows that they need this group of conscious, down-to-the-earth friends. That’s it-this group of friends is composed of people that are realists, who have a healthy and upright lifestyle, who think deeper, and most significantly, they make these interesting people feel interesting; their self-monitoring works with these people because they are able to make this group of friends think what they want them to think of them. hope that wasn’t too confusing. but that’s just the interesting people’s delusion, because their conscious group of friends are obviously more awake than they are. So i guess i am part of my “interesting” friends’ conscious group of friends, because i feel like i know them too well that it’s kinda disgusting. Worse off, i can feel that they are using me to make themselves feel better about themselves, make them stay sane, allow them to find the better part of themselves because they are around this group of people that know what they want and what they are doing. It’s double the benefits for these interesting people when they are friends with conscious people: firstly, they think that their self-monitoring is working when the truth is that, their friends know better than them of how they are really like. they feel better about themselves; they probably feel inferior compared to their group of party animal friends, but compared to these conscious people, they feel as though they have a more tripping life, in their perspective. Secondly, they are able to feel the conscious part of themselves; being with this group of people is like going to church: no matter what they do outside, they are forgiven and pure, they are able to confess to themselves, and find the better part of themselves in these people, while doing something more fulfilling than passing out at a party.
it is very, very disappointing. because at first when i really wanted to know them, and the more i know them, the less complicated they become. and by knowing them i mean in a very real way, like listening to their inner feelings instead of making assumptions myself. it’s to the point that they are transparent, i can see through them. it is very sad at the same time, because i don’t only lose interest in them, i lose quite an amount of respect.. not just because they are using me to feel more “normal”, but the fact that they want to be so much, too much that they don’t realize how they are never gonna be that something else, because they have created this blur, this tangled mess of wants, to the point that they become what people call “multi-face”. every time i spend time with them, the level of intrigue goes down by a bit.
yes maybe dressing up will get you the attention, but when people get to know you, you’re just disappointing them, and how you look and how you portray yourself won’t do anything because eventually, they know you better than you know yourself.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
what, arts students are not smart now?
i was told that around 20 years ago, the faculty of commerce (in undergraduate program) was the dumping ground instead of the faculty of arts. what i mean by dumping ground is where students apply to just for the sake of going to university because they don’t know what they really want to do in the future yet, or they simply don’t have the required GPA to get into their desired faculty, so since arts is easier to get in, they use it as a stepping stone and later transfer to something “better”.
my friend was ranting to me the other day: “i’m so sick of people in my class that just don’t care and don’t participate...and i didn’t come here to learn with people who are just using arts as a dumping ground!” she was really angry.
so i wonder why, why was it a 360 degree difference 20 years ago..maybe that was when the hippie age was taking place- when people strive for justice, equality, and change- thats why they would go into arts and learn more about deeper philosophy behind matter. and now commerce is like the faculty that everyone wants to get in because thats what generally leads u to earning real money.
more worse is that, its almost like being in commerce defines if one’s intelligent or not.
that really disgusts me. especially when my economics professor would say “yea because this is what makes the world go around” .. um no it’s not.
no, it’s not.
I strongly believe not only that the world doesn’t run solely because of the people who know how to use and earn money, but more firmly that intelligence cannot be determined by knowing how to run a business, being sneaky and tricky enough to make the most profits to yourself by taking away other’s, or in general, be good with money. I literally feel sick after an economics class because the whole lecture would be about how to maximize your benefits, how the flow of money keeps the world from collapsing. To clarify, I have no offense against those who are good at commerce. In fact, I think some people are made for it and if they don’t go into this field, it would be a waste. I am just really against the idea of things that evolve around money is what runs this world that I’m living in. Because it’s such a misleading belief, it’s not improving anything out of so much in nowadays society that truly needs improvements, that is dying for changes.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just fooling myself; just because I am not good at economics (since thats the only math course i take) that’s why I don’t believe in it. Maybe i’m just covering my weakness up by making all these rationalization about how many other things are more important than money. I think the reason why I have this doubt in myself at times is because of my surroundings. When one is in an environment where a certain thing is being reinforced, approved, and even appraised,so much, it is extremely difficult to not eventually believe in it. maybe that’s what strikes me sometimes.
I will not deny the fact that money and business and whatever goes around it are very important to the society today, but why now? why so important now? why more and more students want to get into commerce? what happened in between these 20 years, or more? so many questions in my head that are unanswered, and i’m sure that goes with a lot of people out there too.
to be honest, I still get offended by the idea that knowing how to deal with money determines if one is smart or not.
If you’re not in arts, and if you do not indulge in artsy fartsy stuff and you’re just in arts because of whatever reason, you don’t understand how degrading it feels when people ask you “oh what faculty are you in?” “arts” “oh..”. That “oh” is like, “oh man i’m sorry” or sometimes worse when they say, “oh THAT’S OKAY”. what do you mean “that’s okay”?! there’s nothing about me that i need to hear a “that’s okay” from you, you know? I enjoy writing and learning about deeper issues in the society more than learning how to make the most money I could and anything else. THAT’S why I’m in arts. I like to take an abstract view on things, to see them and analyze them in deeper levels. I didn’t come into this faculty to hear “it’s okay that you’re in arts” because it SHOULD be okay, not just okay, it’s good, it’s fucking fantastic.
yea sorry but it’s just so annoying when people are like oh what faculty are you in “commerce” “oh wow smart guy” versus “arts” “oh.......” yea.
I don’t think any “smart” guy in commerce can write a A+ philosophy paper and an english student might suck at econ. Just making my point across in a lamer and simpler way.
my friend was ranting to me the other day: “i’m so sick of people in my class that just don’t care and don’t participate...and i didn’t come here to learn with people who are just using arts as a dumping ground!” she was really angry.
so i wonder why, why was it a 360 degree difference 20 years ago..maybe that was when the hippie age was taking place- when people strive for justice, equality, and change- thats why they would go into arts and learn more about deeper philosophy behind matter. and now commerce is like the faculty that everyone wants to get in because thats what generally leads u to earning real money.
more worse is that, its almost like being in commerce defines if one’s intelligent or not.
that really disgusts me. especially when my economics professor would say “yea because this is what makes the world go around” .. um no it’s not.
no, it’s not.
I strongly believe not only that the world doesn’t run solely because of the people who know how to use and earn money, but more firmly that intelligence cannot be determined by knowing how to run a business, being sneaky and tricky enough to make the most profits to yourself by taking away other’s, or in general, be good with money. I literally feel sick after an economics class because the whole lecture would be about how to maximize your benefits, how the flow of money keeps the world from collapsing. To clarify, I have no offense against those who are good at commerce. In fact, I think some people are made for it and if they don’t go into this field, it would be a waste. I am just really against the idea of things that evolve around money is what runs this world that I’m living in. Because it’s such a misleading belief, it’s not improving anything out of so much in nowadays society that truly needs improvements, that is dying for changes.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just fooling myself; just because I am not good at economics (since thats the only math course i take) that’s why I don’t believe in it. Maybe i’m just covering my weakness up by making all these rationalization about how many other things are more important than money. I think the reason why I have this doubt in myself at times is because of my surroundings. When one is in an environment where a certain thing is being reinforced, approved, and even appraised,so much, it is extremely difficult to not eventually believe in it. maybe that’s what strikes me sometimes.
I will not deny the fact that money and business and whatever goes around it are very important to the society today, but why now? why so important now? why more and more students want to get into commerce? what happened in between these 20 years, or more? so many questions in my head that are unanswered, and i’m sure that goes with a lot of people out there too.
to be honest, I still get offended by the idea that knowing how to deal with money determines if one is smart or not.
If you’re not in arts, and if you do not indulge in artsy fartsy stuff and you’re just in arts because of whatever reason, you don’t understand how degrading it feels when people ask you “oh what faculty are you in?” “arts” “oh..”. That “oh” is like, “oh man i’m sorry” or sometimes worse when they say, “oh THAT’S OKAY”. what do you mean “that’s okay”?! there’s nothing about me that i need to hear a “that’s okay” from you, you know? I enjoy writing and learning about deeper issues in the society more than learning how to make the most money I could and anything else. THAT’S why I’m in arts. I like to take an abstract view on things, to see them and analyze them in deeper levels. I didn’t come into this faculty to hear “it’s okay that you’re in arts” because it SHOULD be okay, not just okay, it’s good, it’s fucking fantastic.
yea sorry but it’s just so annoying when people are like oh what faculty are you in “commerce” “oh wow smart guy” versus “arts” “oh.......” yea.
I don’t think any “smart” guy in commerce can write a A+ philosophy paper and an english student might suck at econ. Just making my point across in a lamer and simpler way.
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