its a restless night,
eat macaroni and cheese out of the pot, on the doorsteps, at 1 30am with a high/drunken friend,
share scary stories, then realize my stories are like the mosquitos flying around compared to my friend’s, in which she almost got killed by 3 bears, or something like that.
don’t close the front door,
watch a tailless dog walk by, and listen to coyotes,
feel the irony, and maybe a bit of fear, as i have my comfortable and perfectly safe home behind me and yet, i can almost visualize the bloody, cruel nature right in front of me—the image in front of me, like it’s going to collapse and overwhelm me.
go lie down on the walkway right in front of my house with my friend while she smokes, inevitably take in some secondhand smoke myself, but not forgetting to enjoy God’s masterpiece—the stars that decorate the dark sky, the unbelievably evenly laid out clouds that take up a perfect portion of the sky, the tips and edges of the outline of the trees.
then guess if the clouds are moving to the left or the right,
and imagine what the stars look like, if i could see them more close-up,
stare at one star, and watch it twinkle.
feel a sense of self-consciousness when cars drive by, just a few steps away from where our heads lie, wonder if any of those front light spots us, there, lying on the floor at 2 30 in the morning.
realize how foolish and contradictive of it is to feel self-conscious while doing something that requires the minimal level of conscience.
just let loose a bit, lose the self consciousness, lose the rules, the norms, the sleepiness, the metabolism, the exercise...
leave some people out of my mind, leave myself in bed, and just breathe.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Omission, Displacement, or Simply Delusion?
No matter what others tell you, relationship is something between two, and only two people.
Yes—there are families, different backgrounds, cultures, religious beliefs, weird habits... all these factors can be a bitch that affects a relationship, but it is ultimately something special between two people. Others might ask you, what’s so good about this guy? Or, why are you with her? You can try all you can to explain what you like about your significant other or what’s so “good” about him/her, but your audience will never fully understand what really attracts you two together; it’s just something so abstract that is almost tacit, almost unexplainable. That unique something, is what I hold onto; not how cute or how successful he is, but that spark—that chemistry.
Around two weeks ago, I had an epiphany at 3am in the morning. I was having an argument with my boyfriend over jealousy. He tried hard to explain what I questioned him, and I became more exhausted while solving his misunderstanding for the millionth time. As my frustration built up, I suddenly realized how crippled verbal communication is. I saw that whatever I was trying to explain was nowhere near his comprehension, but neither was his explanation reaching my understanding. I stopped and listened, I could finally sensed beyond how annoyed he was of me—regardless of how close we are, we are always two individuals with separate minds. I believe this to be a fact, not a form of pessimism; a fact which if embraced, enhancement in independence takes place. It is not asking one to not feel as emotional attached to another, but detaching oneself from trying so hard to achieve the impossible challenge of merging two minds into one, making his life yours, your point of view his, to the point of exhaustion and where one can no longer recognize himself. Yes, relationship is between two people, but relationship is still a connection that exists in linkage of two individuals, who each has his/her own life. It will only lead to tragic ending if one tries to combine everything into one person’s capacity.
What about marriage? Isn’t marriage a symbol of love and union?
The truth is, marriage is the biggest test of commitment. Romantic love is indeed ideal, but marriage is a social construction. What are married people subconsciously proving, compared to the couples who shared their lives together, forever, without any papers signed?
Sometimes marriage seems like the finish line in the race of relationship. Most of the times people forget how holy marriage is, forget about what commitment and promises are. Sharing a home, sharing responsibility for their children, sharing everything. It is supposed to be something to die for, yet we are never satisfied with what we have; your life becomes ours, still, we yearn for what we don’t have. Marriage and union, is it still possible for one to be an “individual” in this concept?
Some choose not to get married, not to have children. Reasons could be to avoid the lost of romance, to prevent having to raise children in the modern values and media. But most prominent of all reasons, is it simply a refusal to carry any responsibilities and commitment? Is it an indirect representation of our id or the child inside of us—the desire to be free, to be on our own, to just do whatever we want to do, whenever we want?
I do not believe this to solely apply to cases involving romance and love, it is just like how we are aware of many problems that are always present. Problems with family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend etc. that occur due to the discrepancy in your way of doing things and thinking from theirs. After many attempts of making things better, we often seem to subconsciously avoid talking about the issues, and begin to do things for ourselves without considering their feelings. It is possible that we realize we need to stand on our grounds, and that sometimes we just cannot do what we want to do with the consideration of others as a primary factor. The notion of omission—oh how good it feels—omitting conflicts against your will, almost completely excluding the guilt from not worrying about others.
The act of not being so attached to one’s lover, the life without marriage or children, the reasoning of doing ourselves justice.. ultimately, are these all just a form of omission of troubles, loads of thinking, commitment, and responsibilities? Are we displacing them with our own logic and theory, some sort of rationalization?
and really, who is to say marriage is the best way to go, and not having any commitment is just a childish act of avoiding responsibilities?
Yes—there are families, different backgrounds, cultures, religious beliefs, weird habits... all these factors can be a bitch that affects a relationship, but it is ultimately something special between two people. Others might ask you, what’s so good about this guy? Or, why are you with her? You can try all you can to explain what you like about your significant other or what’s so “good” about him/her, but your audience will never fully understand what really attracts you two together; it’s just something so abstract that is almost tacit, almost unexplainable. That unique something, is what I hold onto; not how cute or how successful he is, but that spark—that chemistry.
Around two weeks ago, I had an epiphany at 3am in the morning. I was having an argument with my boyfriend over jealousy. He tried hard to explain what I questioned him, and I became more exhausted while solving his misunderstanding for the millionth time. As my frustration built up, I suddenly realized how crippled verbal communication is. I saw that whatever I was trying to explain was nowhere near his comprehension, but neither was his explanation reaching my understanding. I stopped and listened, I could finally sensed beyond how annoyed he was of me—regardless of how close we are, we are always two individuals with separate minds. I believe this to be a fact, not a form of pessimism; a fact which if embraced, enhancement in independence takes place. It is not asking one to not feel as emotional attached to another, but detaching oneself from trying so hard to achieve the impossible challenge of merging two minds into one, making his life yours, your point of view his, to the point of exhaustion and where one can no longer recognize himself. Yes, relationship is between two people, but relationship is still a connection that exists in linkage of two individuals, who each has his/her own life. It will only lead to tragic ending if one tries to combine everything into one person’s capacity.
What about marriage? Isn’t marriage a symbol of love and union?
The truth is, marriage is the biggest test of commitment. Romantic love is indeed ideal, but marriage is a social construction. What are married people subconsciously proving, compared to the couples who shared their lives together, forever, without any papers signed?
Sometimes marriage seems like the finish line in the race of relationship. Most of the times people forget how holy marriage is, forget about what commitment and promises are. Sharing a home, sharing responsibility for their children, sharing everything. It is supposed to be something to die for, yet we are never satisfied with what we have; your life becomes ours, still, we yearn for what we don’t have. Marriage and union, is it still possible for one to be an “individual” in this concept?
Some choose not to get married, not to have children. Reasons could be to avoid the lost of romance, to prevent having to raise children in the modern values and media. But most prominent of all reasons, is it simply a refusal to carry any responsibilities and commitment? Is it an indirect representation of our id or the child inside of us—the desire to be free, to be on our own, to just do whatever we want to do, whenever we want?
I do not believe this to solely apply to cases involving romance and love, it is just like how we are aware of many problems that are always present. Problems with family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend etc. that occur due to the discrepancy in your way of doing things and thinking from theirs. After many attempts of making things better, we often seem to subconsciously avoid talking about the issues, and begin to do things for ourselves without considering their feelings. It is possible that we realize we need to stand on our grounds, and that sometimes we just cannot do what we want to do with the consideration of others as a primary factor. The notion of omission—oh how good it feels—omitting conflicts against your will, almost completely excluding the guilt from not worrying about others.
The act of not being so attached to one’s lover, the life without marriage or children, the reasoning of doing ourselves justice.. ultimately, are these all just a form of omission of troubles, loads of thinking, commitment, and responsibilities? Are we displacing them with our own logic and theory, some sort of rationalization?
and really, who is to say marriage is the best way to go, and not having any commitment is just a childish act of avoiding responsibilities?
Friday, May 7, 2010
What about honesty
Such a small thing, yet it brings out so much reflection.
Do you believe there are people in the world who are chosen to speak the truth? White lies are so popular; they are easy to tell, almost reflexive, and smooth. What’s more, flattering, easygoing, useful, and recoupable—as in regain of benefits in the future.
So how can the people who speak the truth survive? They survive by living on their righteousness and honesty with themselves. I guess when one is able to speak the truth that no one dares or bothers to tell, he is sacrificing quite a lot. Rumors, varied opinions, talk-backs, change of impression or reputation etc etc. That “quite a lot,” I assume, at the end means friends. There are incidents like standing up for a friend where you speak the truth to the person who disrespects your friend, and to basically fuck off; trade off is a request of apology to what that person would call a “random spaz”, any relationship you have with that person, and disappointment in the friend who you stand up for because you get no support from this “friend” whatsoever. So that’s a loss of 2 friends or more net, just from standing up for somebody else.
Note: i’m not spazzing, at all. and this is not sarcasm.
Okay more incidents like, having an opinion about a friend of yours, and learning from your past experience with this friend which gives you negative opinion about him/her. If you are a rather stubborn person, you won’t be able to really interact with this person for longer than 5 minutes, and so there you go another friend.
Everyone might praise you for your bravery, your honesty, to be able to take on the role of speaking the truth that no one else would offer to sacrifice. But when there is this day when you have to go through your list of contacts to find someone to just go somewhere with, and you can’t find anyone else beside those 2 or 3 closer friends that are not free that day, all you have left is your list of friends that you have decided not to talk to because of your disagreement with their personality or ways of doing things. What you’re holding onto is that sparks of bravery and courage of yours, and the righteousness, comfort, and honesty you gain with yourself. Because the truth is ugly; no one, honestly, no one likes to hear negative comments about themselves, unless your unspoken thoughts of truth are like the yummy cheesecake filling hidden in Big City Cupcakes.
It’s a free world; there is determinism like how one’s personality is affected by some genes and environmental factors..but there is also free will, which you can take control over and decide what things to say. One got to have some self-control, and that is what I’m telling myself. At the same time, there is also a trade-off for not being honest with yourself or others, or even when you just don’t take sides: mere dishonesty and lack of satisfaction—something that one would not understand until he nails down some form of opinion. I don’t believe there to be a grey area, where one is honest with himself and also who does not say anything negative; that is just plainly letting your soul float around with no grounds.
Do you believe there are people in the world who are chosen to speak the truth? White lies are so popular; they are easy to tell, almost reflexive, and smooth. What’s more, flattering, easygoing, useful, and recoupable—as in regain of benefits in the future.
So how can the people who speak the truth survive? They survive by living on their righteousness and honesty with themselves. I guess when one is able to speak the truth that no one dares or bothers to tell, he is sacrificing quite a lot. Rumors, varied opinions, talk-backs, change of impression or reputation etc etc. That “quite a lot,” I assume, at the end means friends. There are incidents like standing up for a friend where you speak the truth to the person who disrespects your friend, and to basically fuck off; trade off is a request of apology to what that person would call a “random spaz”, any relationship you have with that person, and disappointment in the friend who you stand up for because you get no support from this “friend” whatsoever. So that’s a loss of 2 friends or more net, just from standing up for somebody else.
Note: i’m not spazzing, at all. and this is not sarcasm.
Okay more incidents like, having an opinion about a friend of yours, and learning from your past experience with this friend which gives you negative opinion about him/her. If you are a rather stubborn person, you won’t be able to really interact with this person for longer than 5 minutes, and so there you go another friend.
Everyone might praise you for your bravery, your honesty, to be able to take on the role of speaking the truth that no one else would offer to sacrifice. But when there is this day when you have to go through your list of contacts to find someone to just go somewhere with, and you can’t find anyone else beside those 2 or 3 closer friends that are not free that day, all you have left is your list of friends that you have decided not to talk to because of your disagreement with their personality or ways of doing things. What you’re holding onto is that sparks of bravery and courage of yours, and the righteousness, comfort, and honesty you gain with yourself. Because the truth is ugly; no one, honestly, no one likes to hear negative comments about themselves, unless your unspoken thoughts of truth are like the yummy cheesecake filling hidden in Big City Cupcakes.
It’s a free world; there is determinism like how one’s personality is affected by some genes and environmental factors..but there is also free will, which you can take control over and decide what things to say. One got to have some self-control, and that is what I’m telling myself. At the same time, there is also a trade-off for not being honest with yourself or others, or even when you just don’t take sides: mere dishonesty and lack of satisfaction—something that one would not understand until he nails down some form of opinion. I don’t believe there to be a grey area, where one is honest with himself and also who does not say anything negative; that is just plainly letting your soul float around with no grounds.
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