"Celestial / Extraterrestrial"

Woken up by the clinging of cups — had I arrived at Mad Hatter’s tea party? 

This someone who was handling several (yes, it sounded more than a couple) 

cups was nervous, as if it didn’t want to wake 

me? Or Alice? Or whom?

The clinging and tinkling of sensation in my barely alive mind then 

trailed off, like the trail of liquid marks on the floor. 

The sound of spilling. T’was all so gentle to wake up to. 

What time was it? Why did I worry about what time was it? But,

was it early — how early? 

At once, it felt lame in the lack of immediate access to Time. 

Always, it did not matter. 

What to do with this perfect ambiguous morning 

after you’d pushed me out of my dream? 

I don’t even dream of him. Though

I would have never dreamed it being a nightmare with you. 

Going by my routine, confused I began to be. 

It’s not that unusual. 

I’d remembered the possibility that you never loved me. 

And you don’t. 

I am a fragment

outside  

all your outlined non-linearities. 

You told me once I was eternal 

neither linear or non-linear

yet why do I feel constantly on the

edge of ending? Continuously 

ended? 

Is that what forever must come to? 

Although I’d come to you in my dreams, 

weeping in brutal confession,

painful self-confrontation,

I remained outside of you. You still stayed away from us. 

We are a dream made into an entity 

outside of ourselves, running a life of its own 

parallel

to each of our own. 

"Upon Sunset"

I felt the need to lie down

and so we did. 

God must have found

His way to my windowsill;

a touch with His finger, the bed 

was illuminated.

The fresh, crisp air funnelled through

and wrapped us in one

on top of this pale duvet.

When did the sun become kind

and love so undeniable? 

Nap, we didn’t.

Weep, I did. 

Our shadows born from the sun 

barely breathed beneath us.

We were sure

we had each other. 

Hugging is letting your chests kiss.

We let our hearts be close, despite

the barrier of our skin.

I cried,

because I loved him so much. 

He was a jewel

completely surrendered to my possession.

His crown I wanted

to hold entirely—

protected in my chest—

and we’d fit perfectly.

"Learned Helplessness"

What are days for? 

The hours, the years...

Once the moment is gone

how do my words hold on? 

The tediousness of life

teases. Oftentimes 

helplessness refuses to 

cease; it only phases. 

What are we to do 

with so many shutters

of the eyes, witnessing

the overwhelmingly

incessant, violent

murder of time? 

"Running"

I close my eyes, letting my soft-souled, imaginative memory run.

It gathers its energy and momentum, rises up like smoke. 

It’s running fast,

chasing after your face, your frames, 

nose, lips,

the way the two ends of your smile 

curl up 

when your face gets 

closer to mine. 

I open my eyes for a second, 

afraid of getting lost in what’s past. 

But I’ve always been a masochist

with my own stories

in time. 

Lids closed once more, my mind reaches 

out its tender arms, grasping 

onto the feeling of your lips 

touching mine. Oh 

how close, how naturally warm we were together. 

Hours passed by, like time was never 

once an abstract 

so skewed, an entity

so monopolistically significant and constant.

It made an attempt

at alarming us with helplessness, 

reasons, but was of no influence.

For our minds were so unforgettably 

occupied, and we were ourselves

loving the space our beings filled up 

in conjunction. 

"Vancouver"

Days are doting

from blurry mornings

Time is doing 

its usual thing. 

Running and ditching,

like how we chase, afraid of

not reaching the 99 —

look how it’s fleeting.

Fast a week in and

I’d say, “Stop counting.”

Riding, driving,

Eating, immersing

In the blue wide west; 

a coast happily rests 

at its state — 

Forever in her 

Twenties 

stretching, ready;

forming and delving into

its absolute splendid

Best.

"Homecoming"

The red wine 

sensuously 

streams down my throat

My mind,

so high —

Coffee? Tea? 

Suddenly, all these drugs were in front of me. 

Home was 

ahead of me. 

Yet I had no idea I

was going for an epilogue. 

The minimal, 

most quiet kind of exchange 

of sentiments;

silent handshake of air

awaits. Bittersweetness. 

Looking out the tiny window,

depressant and stimulant laid out 

on this awkward table.

While my eyes beamed,

the idea of you

locking away us into the museum of memory

was at once impossible and cruel,

but somehow somewhere

an idea I had.

Yet I had no idea you

are the braver of us —

perhaps the one

bruised, wrenched. Cut-

throat and defensively, you

draw out the dagger

of conclusion.

"Home is So Sad" Adaptation

Source: 

“Home is So Sad” by Philip Larkin

Home is so sad. It stays as it was left,

Shaped to the comfort of the last to go

As if to win them back. Instead, bereft 

Of anyone to please, it withers so,

Having no heart to put aside the theft 

And turn again to what it started as,

A joyous shot at how things ought to be,

Long fallen wide. You can see how it was:

Look at the pictures and the cutlery.

The music in the piano stool. That vase. 

“Have you packed more? Almost done?” 

“Yup, but I’m gonna pack some more tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to hang out with Tiff and them.” 

She came downstairs to the living room — perfumed, dressed, makeup on. 

“Going out again? When are you done having this kind of fun?” Her mother said nonchalantly, not looking up from her iPad. All in all, it’s taken a long time for her to get here — hearing that her daughter is venturing out into the dangerous night full of mischievousness and not try to stop her by saying how much of a risk it was to go out on her own at night.

It was eleven in the morning and she had been awake for about an hour. Remote and warm in the pastel yellow duvet blanket, she surveyed her room from corner to corner: pale pink walls, a painting hung on the wall. That jewelry stand. The rays of light through the blinds are reflecting on the adjacent wall. Stuffed toys in the corner that are dusty. That evening, she was leaving home, going abroad, moving out. 

Every time she left home, she felt almost guilty for leaving her mom behind, alone. At the same time, she could never fight the resistance — the bright lights outside, the carefree attitude, the possibilities. Most of the time her mom would barely utter out a “bye” as she stood at the door with keys in hand; even if she did, it was one with an attitude. Behind her the living room stretches out; the room always suddenly looked so large and empty, despite the visible weight of the grand piano behind the sofa her mother often makes herself comfortable on. 

The carpeted stairs, the wooden floor. The window beside the piano, on it place photo frames of her family — mom, brother, and her — from long ago, still and silently. The uneven space between the two opposite couches and the coffee table in the middle. Her brother’s study room’s white energy-saving light contrasting awkwardly from the warm, wooden colours in the living room. 

Sitting in between her two big suitcases, she looked childish. Her face expressing complex sadness. Her mother observed her, “you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” That was the first time her mother had tried to make her stay with words. “I know.” But she wanted to leave. 

Home is so sad, but why is leaving home sadder? Knowing that everything will stay the same is not enough anymore; the other half of her is pulling her away from this house. This house, so homey, picturesque; so meant for a family. 

Just don't.

“There are and will be a lot of things in life that you don’t want to do, but doesn’t mean that you don’t need to do them!” Said my mom, always. 

Being raised with the teaching of the inevitability of hardship, what will always seem like “unbearable” difficulties, the unacceptability of running away from problems, and the necessity to face it and suck it up (and expected to do a good job along the way) has shaped the excellent quality of self-discipline with minimal complaints in me. It wasn’t easy, especially as a child, to hear the blatant words coming — maybe spitting — out of my mother’s mouth, wide-eyed and matter-of-fact; but that is how it was. I had lessons for piano, ballet, drawing, mathematics, Mandarin, Chinese calligraphy, and swimming outside of school. I was one talented kid, at least for however long I had to put up with these extracurricular activities that I did not take particular, voluntary interest in. But every time I complained, asked to quit, I would get the “life” spiel thrown at me, mostly in slightly exaggerated dramatic seriousness on my mom’s part. But that’s also how I got extra tutoring on all those things. I don’t do half of the list in my daily life now, but knowing deeply that there are and will always be things that I don’t want to do but will have to do has not only stuck with me but become part of me — in my responses to obstacles, my reactions to others’ complaints over, say, work, and my way of dealing with things. 

However, I’m not writing to tell you the valuable lesson that my tiger mother has taught me, albeit it being genuinely an important knowledge I’ve gained. I want to say how much I’ve learned to do otherwise. 

It is true that things which make us unhappy or stressed will continue to exist and not dealing with problems is escapism, immaturity. But there are circumstances where things are simply broken and different. It doesn’t always mean that it calls for an immediate restore or solution. Yes, perhaps time is the go-to when it comes to healing, but sometimes, try leaving the broken pieces on the floor and move on. There is no need to force yourself to rescue; make yourself miserable and guilty over an issue, a broken friendship, a problematic or ended relationship, because things are never one-sided. More basically, you should never have to do anything that you don’t want to. More and more people are turning their focus and values closer to those of hedonism these days, (hopefully) salubriously, which preaches not to waste a chance for pleasure. Getting involved in anything out of your desire is not only the opposite of chasing “the highest good”, but also unhealthy and damaging to your soul, degrading to your self-esteem, and lessening of your personality. Most importantly, we’ve been wired for too long and hard under this and that pressure, worrying about what he and she thinks, what they and so-and-so will say. Then, just like that, we forget what we want, what’s important to us, what more can we appreciate, and ourselves. 

The society is always demanding worth — how much money is it worth, how much pay are you worth — but sometimes you must reverse the judgment on some problems: is this worth my time, is it worth my efforts and mental energy, is it worth fixing? I’ve come across conflicts that have been resolved with more or less efforts, but also problems that will stay a splinter, so deep into your skin that you’d hurt yourself more trying to get it out than letting your body naturally dissolve it. More simply, some things are just broken, like a vase, and there’s no use of putting it back together. At the same time, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.  

As a child, I was disciplined by doing things that I didn’t want to do, simultaneously demanded to do them with a good attitude. At the brim of turning 23, I’m only starting to learn that I never have to do anything that I don’t want to. 

Happy Chinese New Year. 

"What if I Died Today?"

What if I died today? 

Would you wake

From our silence, 

Call out my name

Again and 

Again?

What if I died today? 

Would it mean to you

An endless romance or

Just an 

Abrupt end to something

That could have meant 

Nothing? 

What if I died today? 

What if

I died today? 

Would you say 

Aloud you regret? 

Regret 

That we let

Sadness just form itself

Into reality, 

That we let such

A beautiful thing

Slip,

Creep,

Breathe away. 

What if I died today?

How many seconds would

Tears fill my mother’s 

Eyes? How many questions would

Be, but not asked, and

How much void would be filled

With fragments of memory? 

And if I died today, 

How many days would it be

Until you genuinely and 

Completely

Forget 

About me?

"Being" I & II

“Being I: Body”

Body is free 

From company,

Street air, 

Strangers,

Non-strangers.

Mind is free

Again to think about you. 

Separate now

From everyday’s 

Company

And routine

And things to do

And nothing to do

And him

And her

And what else

Then I realized,

my desire is dark

And somehow hollow,

Somehow desperate,

Somehow constantly 

Missing the past. 

“Being II: Soul”

Where does it belong,

This heavy soul without

Mass?

The body is barely 

Dragging it around. 

The body is 

Not merely a carrier of

This massive, loud,

Wild,

Intolerably wishful,

Spoiled soul. 

But a mind of its own? 

What else

"Sleepless Frankness"

At dawn,

Impeccably forlorn,

I

Was alone.

My fears,

My longings

Reappeared.

So clear—

My sleepless soul 

Had dawn woken. 

Unintentionally,

My mind was captive—

Brutally—

Frank and awoken. 

“Einmal ist keinmal” 

Everything is so far away. 

The internet wouldn’t load;

I clicked on your face,

Only blankness floats. 

Warm forehead,

Faint, pained, 

The question wouldn’t go. 

The overwhelming city doesn’t hold. 

The faithful lover wants to grow old

With me

Me, who yearns 

And churns 

For cursed

Timing; thirsts

For heart-wrenching,

Consciousness-stopping 

Lyrics, for

Folded pages

Similar feelings

Touching

Remembering

Not understanding.

Let's get married, here and now.

New article on This Is Vancity: "Pop-Up Wedding Project: Transforming the Traditional for the Modern" 

Sunset

The prettiest colour is the colour of the water, meaning the colour of the sky. In my opinion. 

Ever since I started working at a restaurant locating in the part of the city that showcases the sunset for, so it claims, the longest time, I have begun to constantly hear the importance of sitting at a table with a view of the sunset, especially now that it’s summer, and sunsets have become a thing—not all of a sudden, as sunsets have always been to my knowledge a precious thing, but it has taken up a new level of importance recently. 

I dropped by one of my favourite spots in the city today, right before the sun set, alone. It’s a viewpoint separated from a highway. I looked at the water—the gradual, peaceful waves, the logs in between them, spaciously spaced. The colours of the water and the sky and the clouds and the rays of sun blent in all together. It reminded me of watercolour. I thought about sunsets; although I couldn’t see it in the view, but I could feel it about to happen on the other side of the ocean and I could almost feel it. Sunsets happen every day; the sun rises and sets every day. I would even venture to say that its beauty and, ironically, rarity deserve everyone’s attention every day. So why has it been dumbed down to a thing that has been made special, that is to be watched on special occasions? The sun sets every day. The sun is probably like, buddy, I do this every day, and you’re requesting a table on the patio where you can get the best view of it, on your wife’s birthday, because it makes it that much more special? What are we so busy doing every day that we can blatantly and entirely forget, every day, around the same time, that the sun is setting somewhere where we can get an amazing view of without too much of an effort because we live in this world and the sun is so big that its heat and light have the ability to reach the majority of the planet, meaning that it is always visible somewhere that is realistically accessible. 

What are we so busy doing?

Then I thought about more, and I thought about so many wonderful things that take place every day amongst the nature that we are physically in. How much am I missing? How much have I missed? 

We really don’t live every day like it is the last day, as we often say we should. Some would say, let’s be real. I would say, no, yeah, let’s be real: the truth is that the sun sets every day, the ocean is there every day, the mountains are there every day, the trees are breathing every moment—what can be more real than that? 

What I Stopped Doing

What I stopped doing:

Writing sentimental cards or letters 

Being sentimental

Talking on the phone every night 

Heart wrench upon hearing certain names 

Receiving or writing emails to my dad 

Creating happiness for my mom

Posting pictures on Facebook

Trying as hard to hold up a conversation

I used to feel so much when I was younger, as a child, as a teenager...

I am not certain whether it’s a form of desensitization or not, because I don’t think desensitization is all it is, but this excerpt from the novel Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close seems to capture how I feel about sentimentality slipping away from me year after year just enough: 

“Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did.

I spent my life learning to feel less. 

Every day I felt less. 

Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” 

It is so sad. What are we capable of doing that we do not know? This is one of them. Autonomic adaptation to life.

Everything was always so easily hilarious and moving and heartbreaking and unusually miraculous or devastating, but everything seems to become less of everything as the years add up. I used to cry whenever we had the moment of silence in memory of those who passed away from 9/11 in elementary and even high school. Now I can’t even cry if I want to. But sometimes, like reading stories about the little boy who was waiting for his dad at the finish line of the marathon got blown to pieces from the Boston bombing, tears just burst out of me two days after reading about it when someone asked me if I were okay. 

It is so deep. Writing sentimental and cringingly cheesy birthday or thank-you cards was my priority and strength in every occasion worth celebrating. I’ve always been a thinker. Everyone was always like, “you think too much.” Then I think I’ve thought less, not voluntarily, it just happened. Not that I’m not a thinker anymore, but I guess eventually I lost track of where the lost thoughts go and what it all means—to others, to myself, and to anything else—so, I jumped on the bandwagon of “don’t think too much about it”. 

Another birthday is approaching. Having less heart-wrenching and passionate emotions, genuinely cannot care more than what I can emotionally and financially afford, and having less energy and motivation to put, not even glue, the broken pieces together—is this growing older? Is this what is coming out of it? 

“I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live” 

Having just been to my younger brother’s high school graduation and revisiting students’ speech that always repeat every year one way or another, with lines like “ready to take on this crazy thing called ‘life’,” or “life is a game, you just need to know how to play it.” All the while, I was having briefly argumentative and almost condescending thoughts like “no!” and “it’s not true, it’s a trap!”. What it’s like to be naive and hopeful at the same time. 

At the moment, it feels like life is lifting up its veil bit by bit, and I’m hoping there is an end to this lessening of my self and that, there is much more to heartbreaking words put together in books that make me cry and struggling eternally out of an emotional hole. 

What I started doing:

Saving (more than just money) 

Not be too caught up in moods, they really are overrated 

Feeling less sad about sad things

Learning

Accepting changes

Making the first step (e.g. get out of bed, begin typing up an outline, send/reply an email etc.) 

Taking a life to learn how to live would be a waste of a life. No one knows how to live, but we just do, but I guess that is only existing. I don’t want to just exist for a life and learn how to live by the end of it, so I will try harder. 

Vancouver's New Bestie: Currywurst in Chinatown

Recent article on This Is Vancity on the new currywurst joint that opened this month:

http://thisisvancity.com/content/bestie-currywurst-chinatown

I’m Waiting for Nothing to End, for Now.

What if we never see each other again? 

At the parting times, desperation, sadness, spontaneous and overwhelming emotions of all kinds take over, and for those moments we can only focus on the fact that we’re saying and acting on goodbye. Time passes, though. Later on, later on, the question asked above takes on a new face: aside from whether a reunion is likely or unlikely to happen, it doesn’t really matter if we do see each other again or not. Separate lives in different places—each and every person is too occupied and invested with the now to truly make a way—make a way for reunions or forever to happen. What about all those feelings of not being able to live without one another, and what happened to trying, and why was there a meaning to brood over having to part from each other in the first place? Do we just enjoy being melodramatic on the stage of life, where scenes of parting are a nature and, in my opinion, too recurring? The passing—coming and going—of emotions; we are all brilliant actors for nailing those parting moments with tears and breaking hearts, and thereafter allowing life to go on, because life does go on and the story between you and me seems to play out to be just another scene in a movie. Memorable, but somehow we just cannot break our “big plans” and not put an end to something that we consider wonderful, because more and better adventures are always to come. Things can always be better, so when are we going to be satisfied and make a choice?

“I know that people say 'life goes on,' and it does, but nobody ever tells you that it's not a good thing. Why is that?" 

Because hope remains the last thing in Pandora’s box. We have hope for the future—the “bigger” plans. But we often forget the initial paradox of hope being an object amongst all in Pandora’s box, which is supposed to carry all the bad things in life. 

I don’t want to focus on the present and only enjoy the now. I want to continue this and wait for it to never end. Now just let me be melodramatic and contentious, and feel again in a couple of days that although I’ve said goodbye too many times, it might not be a good thing, but it will still be okay. 

This Is Vancity: on Hawker's Market

Another article, published before Tangoo. Check it out.

Hawker's Market: Bringing International to the Table

New article on This Is Vancity: Tangoo

Tangoo: A Re-Imagination of the Familiar

Sons of Granville: Vancouver's Musical Flesh and Blood

Have you met Sons of Granville? Check out my new contributing article on This Is Vancity.

http://thisisvancity.com/content/sons-of-granville-vancouver-buskers