Just don't.

“There are and will be a lot of things in life that you don’t want to do, but doesn’t mean that you don’t need to do them!” Said my mom, always. 

Being raised with the teaching of the inevitability of hardship, what will always seem like “unbearable” difficulties, the unacceptability of running away from problems, and the necessity to face it and suck it up (and expected to do a good job along the way) has shaped the excellent quality of self-discipline with minimal complaints in me. It wasn’t easy, especially as a child, to hear the blatant words coming — maybe spitting — out of my mother’s mouth, wide-eyed and matter-of-fact; but that is how it was. I had lessons for piano, ballet, drawing, mathematics, Mandarin, Chinese calligraphy, and swimming outside of school. I was one talented kid, at least for however long I had to put up with these extracurricular activities that I did not take particular, voluntary interest in. But every time I complained, asked to quit, I would get the “life” spiel thrown at me, mostly in slightly exaggerated dramatic seriousness on my mom’s part. But that’s also how I got extra tutoring on all those things. I don’t do half of the list in my daily life now, but knowing deeply that there are and will always be things that I don’t want to do but will have to do has not only stuck with me but become part of me — in my responses to obstacles, my reactions to others’ complaints over, say, work, and my way of dealing with things. 

However, I’m not writing to tell you the valuable lesson that my tiger mother has taught me, albeit it being genuinely an important knowledge I’ve gained. I want to say how much I’ve learned to do otherwise. 

It is true that things which make us unhappy or stressed will continue to exist and not dealing with problems is escapism, immaturity. But there are circumstances where things are simply broken and different. It doesn’t always mean that it calls for an immediate restore or solution. Yes, perhaps time is the go-to when it comes to healing, but sometimes, try leaving the broken pieces on the floor and move on. There is no need to force yourself to rescue; make yourself miserable and guilty over an issue, a broken friendship, a problematic or ended relationship, because things are never one-sided. More basically, you should never have to do anything that you don’t want to. More and more people are turning their focus and values closer to those of hedonism these days, (hopefully) salubriously, which preaches not to waste a chance for pleasure. Getting involved in anything out of your desire is not only the opposite of chasing “the highest good”, but also unhealthy and damaging to your soul, degrading to your self-esteem, and lessening of your personality. Most importantly, we’ve been wired for too long and hard under this and that pressure, worrying about what he and she thinks, what they and so-and-so will say. Then, just like that, we forget what we want, what’s important to us, what more can we appreciate, and ourselves. 

The society is always demanding worth — how much money is it worth, how much pay are you worth — but sometimes you must reverse the judgment on some problems: is this worth my time, is it worth my efforts and mental energy, is it worth fixing? I’ve come across conflicts that have been resolved with more or less efforts, but also problems that will stay a splinter, so deep into your skin that you’d hurt yourself more trying to get it out than letting your body naturally dissolve it. More simply, some things are just broken, like a vase, and there’s no use of putting it back together. At the same time, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.  

As a child, I was disciplined by doing things that I didn’t want to do, simultaneously demanded to do them with a good attitude. At the brim of turning 23, I’m only starting to learn that I never have to do anything that I don’t want to. 

Happy Chinese New Year.