Space

Space — liminal, imaginary, abandoned, abstract, locative, in-between, nominal, temporal...

Where do you want to be at this very moment? 

I want to go back to that morning when we stepped outside of the electro club at 8 30 in the morning. My hearing, as if shifted gear, as if I changed the radio station, was like separated from the sound of the open-air by something... maybe something like a pair of headphones, or a piece of plastic, that I could almost hear the sound of the space — the space on the streets of Berlin on a spring morning. 

I was not sure if I felt tired, though we stayed up the entire night dancing. I actually don’t remember the dancing part, specifically, but the memory of my self physically being there is clear in my mind. 

We walked in silence, and I pointed out that we were walking in silence, then you said, “it’s like what they say in that movie: that’s when you truly feel comfortable.”

Yes, “when you can just shut the fuck up and enjoy the silence together.”

Whenever I am up early in the morning and am in good company, I always feel like I have entire freedom to do whatever the hell I want, for the rest of the day. That feeling is so incredibly exciting and has so much anticipation to it. It’s like you have all the time in the world. 

I also want to linger in that moment when I imprinted the images into my memory. Images of you sitting in the train, looking out and in thoughts; or when you met me at the train station with your headphones on. You saw me and you smiled. 

I want to be in my small dormitory room again, not in the state when I moved out — blank, just blank — but when photographs of my friends are on the wall, my papers all over the table, light dimly lit, pile of clothes on the chair, bed undone. I would lean out the open window, and light a cigarette. I remember the time when I thought I was exhaling bits of my soul out the window along with the smoke into blue-blackness, because I thought the concept of love was completely and finally crushed for me. It was done. It was over; no more loving and I couldn’t physically imagine being so weak again. There was no more of me to afford. 

But where am I at the moment? 

I am in so many different places. So many. Every hour I feel like I am in at least two different types of space simultaneously. I am walking around in a multicultural city with a so-called “hybrid” identity, where there is a front of interstices, but it is just a front. So much energy poured out into fronting in this country.

I am in silence at home when words should be exchanged, but they just cannot be uttered out. There is just nothing to say, or is there? My mother said, “sometimes it just feels so pathetic eh? There’s nothing to say to each other in the family.” 

I am taking bits of my time out to live the past in the present. 

I am, however, also in a place where I am constantly looking for change. I don’t want changes to stop occurring, otherwise I’d feel stale. 

I am busy, but I don’t seem to be working all the time. I have no time, but I do. 

People often say, oh how I wish to be two places at a time right now. They probably are, just don’t realize how damn confusing it is.