She says, “It’s something for myself.”

Epiphany.

After hearing words that I thought would only come out of my mouth to my boyfriend but not the other way around, along with an accident, I finally found an exit for myself.

All this time, I’ve always perceived myself as a dependent girlfriend—the half that gives all the emotions, that keeps no secrets, and is more afraid of being left behind. Simultaneously, I’ve always known somewhere deep down, I hated being like that. I wished I was stronger, less attached, and even less emotional.

Until today, because I found an exit. By exit, I mean an outlet where there is a little crawl space, a sense of privacy, and most importantly, a big part of myself.

It’s my pride. My pride in myself as a person who is so perfect and especially thoughtful for him; the kind of pride which brings me, and I never realized or was honest with myself (I’m not sure which), such high level of difficulty to admit it when I’m wrong, when I make mistakes. Back when I was young and when I told lies, I was the kind of kid who would lie and lie to cover previous lies, until I got completely busted. It wasn’t fully due to the consequences, but more because I didn’t want to be the wrong one; I didn’t want to be the kid who lied and had to be punished. I didn’t like the title of mistaker, and I disliked it so much that till this day, I denied the very fact in my trait that I am a prideful person who does not like to admit my faulty behaviors nor mere mistakes.
I didn’t want to admit to him that I too, do hurtful things to him, and I didn’t believe that I would be too, one who makes him feel insecure like how the dependent girlfriend feels, whom I always saw myself in. I didn’t want to tell him about my accident due to my carelessness, because I believed I was better than that—making careless yet rational mistakes, even though mistakes are mundane and forgivable.
It is in my pride where I finally saw myself as myself, where I saw my flaws, where I was facing the relationship with myself. I had a moment to think, because this is so interesting; the fact that there is almost like a double-self in me. I had the time to create this image of myself being so great of a girlfriend who was simultaneously insecure and incredibly attached was because I never admitted the other side of me—prideful, no matter with what.

Well, it’s not a secret anymore, at least not with myself.

The Best Day of My Life.

“ I woke up feeling very happy today because I knew it was gonna be the best day of my life. As I went to bed, I carried a joy that a child has as if he was about to experience something exciting the next day, because I knew tomorrow is gonna be the best day of my life.”

That’s a paraphrase of what I heard from sermon this morning.
I have to say, I haven’t had such a nice day in a short while. And I haven’t meant what I say as much as everything that I said today.
I spent my day in separate sessions with three good friends, and it was purely pleasant. We shared thoughts and caught up with each other’s life, we helped and heard each other out.
I also enjoyed today and those individual sessions so much because I was in a way forced to be independent. I’m thankful for that, because it feels like it has brought me to another level in my relationship with myself.
It’s so nice to have different people in your life, and it’s amazing how things happen in such bad ways that turn out to making you stronger and become more familiar, comfortable, and confident with yourself.

Perhaps this is the pattern of life.

This is a temporary life, therefore things will not be perfect, but that’s the point of life—imperfections and problems. It only affects you deeply if you were so attached to it, it being this temporary life and everything that comes along with it.
I realized, everyone needs these issues, these imperfect relationships in life for things to get better and for one to work it out. It is all for you to develop, for your own sake.
So next time when you encounter problems—any problem—frown, but don’t frown for too long. Learn to embrace and accept the fact that there are problems in life and they are never one-sided, as in you are usually part of the problem as well. Learn the lesson, then move on and enjoy yourself. Feel free to indulge in imperfections, because they make life perfect.

Are You Somehow Waiting for Your Life to Begin?

My first published article on traveling, via Vashti Magazine.

http://www.vashtimag.com/2011/05/are-you-somehow-waiting-for-your-life-to-begin/